Note: Please ingest your sarcasm pill prior to reading.
Oh Facebook Friends, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways … I love you first thing in the morning, and at the end of a long day. While on conference calls. At baseball practice. In the bathroom, before my toddler bursts in. Even while I pause at a red light.
But please, can I make just one little request? (Or 25, if we’re counting.) I would be immeasurably grateful if we could just shake our collective social media hands and agree to refrain from:
1. The busy day post. Otherwise known as your To-Do List. Let’s face it, we all have kids. We all have jobs. We all, at one time or another, are forced to descend into the 10th circle of hell known as Walmart. In other words, we all have crap to do! Do you not understand that if you have time to document online how busy you are, you clearly have too much time on your hands?
2. Vague statements. There’s nothing like this elusively unclear post to get everyone’s Facebook panties in a wad. Every friend gleans her own interpretation: “What does she mean by that?” “Is she referring to me?” “Was she arrested?” Here’s the thing about vague posters: they are shameless attention seekers. They’re passive-aggressively begging for an onslaught of oh-so-concerned “What happened???!!!” and “Hope you’re ok!! Love you!!” replies. Please, get a therapist.
3. Fights. Reading this type of post makes you feel a bit voyeuristic, like you just unintentionally hijacked an episode of the Real Housewives of Facebook. For instance, popping up in my feed today: “Telling me you’re out of town for work as the reason you can’t do something, but then posting on Facebook that you’ll be attending an event in town on the same night… classy!” Ooooh, somebody is busted!
4. Feet. We understand that you’re lounging on some beautiful beach in the Caribbean, but there’s no faster way to massacre our moment of living vicariously through your vacation than by posting a picture that includes … your feet. Unless they belong to a newborn, feet are just unequivocally gross. Stop it.
5. Glasses (or bottles) of wine. We’ve had a Very. Busy. Day. One that has not yet slowed enough to afford us the opportunity to have that glass (or bottle) of wine we so desperately need. So please don’t flaunt yours in our feed.
6. Photos of your sick kids. How would you like it if your offspring crept into your bedroom and played paparazzi while you were three sheets to the wind? (Review #5. Karma’s a bitch.) It’s unfortunate that this even needs to be stated, but here goes: don’t post photos of your children heaving over the toilet! If your kid is puking, YOU SHOULD NOT BE ACTIVE ON FACEBOOK. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE AND HELP YOUR CHILD. And while we’re on subject, please also refrain from …
7. Ten-minute status updates on aforementioned sick kids. If one of them has lost an appendage, ok, post away. Surgeries and ER visits are generally acceptable. But we really don’t need to know that your child’s fever spiked from 100.2 to 100.3 in the few milliseconds since you last uploaded that barfing picture. Believe it or not, we’ve all cared for under-the-weather kids before. Furthermore, lest we forget …
8. Your own sick day photos. If I want to see a Kleenex box perfectly aligned next to a tub of Vick’s and bottle of Tylenol (true story!), I’ll flip through magazine ads in my doctor’s office. If you’re sick, suspend the impromptu photo shoots, get the hell off Facebook and rest up, dammit!
9. An entire memory card worth of photos. Do us all a favor and take a moment to scroll through the 983 pictures you snapped at little Liam’s birthday party, select a few favorites, and leave the rest to our imagination. As opposed to mindlessly uploading 107 shots of the Exact. Same. Thing.
10. What you ate for breakfast.
11. What you ate for lunch.
12. What you ate for dinner. (Just making sure we’ve covered all culinary considerations.) We also don’t need to know …
13. How many Weight Watchers points are in whatever you ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner. (On the other hand, should you manage to create a fabulous new chocolate concoction that contains no calories, then you will have garnered my attention and by all means, post away.)
14. The outside temperature. We all get the weather channel. We all have digital displays in our cars. We are all painfully aware when Elsa’s outstretched hand has cast a record-breaking cold front, or when no rating of SPF will protect us from the scorching heat. Your status update is neither required nor desired.
15. Pictures of injuries (a slight variation on the sick day photo). I recently had a friend who shared images of her bleeding and scabbed up knees after wiping out on a bike ride not once, not twice, but three times in one week. For God’s sake, take up yoga already!
16. Political rants. If I want an Obama Care debate, I will turn on Fox News. When I log in to Facebook, I’m eagerly anticipating photos of my friends’ cherub-faced angels (provided they aren’t sick) and celebrating my pals’ latest milestones (as long as they are not detailed in a busy day list). Please don’t kill my moment of downtime with your take on gun control.
17. Gym selfies. Yes, you are a badass. No, we don’t need to see the sweaty, two-sizes-too-small tank top for you to prove that to us.
18. Cleavage selfies. My kids (and husband) have been known to occasionally look over my shoulder as I scroll. Please keep it clean, Facers.
19. Any post with the word “Facers.”
20. Any post with the word “Peeps.” As in, “Hey, local Peeps.” To be clear, this term should only be used if referring to the Easter candy you gave you kids.
21. Blatant parental self-promotion. No, driving your kids to school in the morning does not earn you a Mother of the Year nomination. Neither does capturing a photo of your child puking (see #6). Yes, parenting is hard work. Suck it up and stop being a bragplainer.
22. Bragplainers. Not everyone can master the fine art of singing your own praises while cleverly disguising it as a complaint. But it usually goes something like, “My kid just got into Harvard, but omg, I’m sooooo bummed because that’s so far away!!”
23. Retail requests. I support you in your endeavors to peddle Jamberry Nails, Party Lite candles and 3D Mascara. Really I do. I just don’t want to buy any of that crap.
24. Any post that begins with the words, “Are you brave enough to change your status for an hour?” I’m just not sure how altering my status helps to cure cancer, accelerate autism awareness or demonstrate my strength of friendship to you. (So no, apparently I am not brave enough.)
25. Any post that prompts a “Keep reading” button. Did you compose a status update or a freaking dissertation? In fact, I’d be willing to bet if Facebook initiated a character count limit like Twitter, this Top 25 list would be unnecessary. Mark Zuckerberg, I hope you’re taking a moment out of your busy day to read this.